Behavior: What Makes Us Do The Things We Do?

Behavior: What Makes Us Do The Things We Do?

Belinda @ Kids Matter

“We considered behaving, but it's against our nature.” O.R. Melling, The Book of Dreams

I think most people would like to understand why they do the things they do. Sometimes, we do something that we just didn’t see coming. We get angry over things of which we have no control. We bite someone’s head off for a simple hello. We snap at the drop of a hat, for absolutely no reason.  But, what if there actually is a reason behind the madness? Today, we examine the brain, how it affects our daily behavior, and why it makes us do the things we do.

The field of social neuroscience is the study of how relationships affect every cell in our body and how the brains system causes us to act or react. If we were to look into our brain we would find the amygdala which is the source of our responses. It is the cause of our need to protect and defend ourselves.  It is the response center for instant, passionate action. For example… you see a child sitting on the edge of a counter, your immediate response is to protect the child and remove him from danger.

Actions and reactions are also caused through mirror neurons. This process is the mimicking of behavior of the people around you.  You can equate this to walking into a crowd of people looking upward. Automatically, your first response is to look upward. You are now mimicking the behavior of those around you. The same can be said on the opposite end of the spectrum, you walk into a funeral, where people are sad and grieving. Suddenly, no matter how you felt before, your behavior mimics the grieving of those around you.

How do we regain control of our emotions and actions? We do this through utilizing the orbitofrontal cortex of our brain. This section of the brain provides the necessary tools to step back, access the situation, and regain perspective. While the amygdala is basically an impulse, the orbitofrontal cortex is the source allowing for the thought process required to react calmly and rationally.

There are times in life when we must react on impulse and there are times we need to step back and think about how to react before taking action. How do we know when to use which? The impulse to save a life doesn’t take thought. Overreacting in the heat of the moment does take thought. Ask yourself questions. Why do I feel this way? What can I do to diffuse the situation? What emotions am I picking up from others around me? Chances are if you take just a moment to ask yourself questions then, you are giving your brain the time it needs to rationalize over impulse. I would venture to say that most decisions, reactions, and actions do not require a response within 10 seconds.  Do you remember being told, in order to calm down from a situation, to stop and count to 10? That is just what we need to allow our brain to switch from impulse to rationalization.

Temper Tantrum 101

Temper Tantrum 101

Belinda @ Kids Matter

“Tantrums are common from ages one to four because kids become frustrated when they can’t get what they want,” says Robert G. Harrington, a professor of psychology at the University of Kansas.

Have you ever been that parent in the store, whose child has a complete meltdown? You know, the one everyone in the store is starring at with those, “you are such a horrible parent,” eyes? Don’t you find it funny, that it’s the child having the meltdown but, your parenting skills are at fault? It’s a fact, Jack, kids have meltdowns! They do not have the coping skills to deal with anger. The only vent that pops into their mind is destroying the floor beneath them. Holding their breath, kicking, screaming, turning varying shades of red, and pounding the floor are just common tools a child uses to vent anger. Anyone who has dealt with children is very well aware of those coping tools. The reason other adults frown upon you, the parent standing in shame over the child’s behavior, is due to them not agreeing with how you are handling the situation. We all have different parenting styles and included in that all-encompassing style, is discipline. While you are standing there infuriated, mortified, and totally astonished by the child’s behavior, the people around you are judging your parenting style. Let me just say this right now… that is your child showing himself on the floor! You deal with it the best way possible; but, whatever you do… don’t give in to the child. Giving in only opens the door to many more mortifying tantrums and if you thought this tantrum was bad, just wait until the next one.

We know that tantrums are methods for venting anger. Children don’t have the skillset to talk through the problem. They don’t have the mindset to compromise. They don’t have the patience to wait until the next payday to get that ‘greatest toy in the whole wide world’. So, where do we go from here? As crazy as this seems, we prep the child for shopping trips. Start a couple hours before the trip, laying down in-store rules. One, this is what we are getting. Two, you are not getting any toys. Three, you will behave and not throw any fits. Do you see where I am going here? Make your rules simple but decisive. Include in your rules a reward for good behavior. Maybe it’s candy, maybe a trip to the park. As you venture through the store, and the child is asking for this and that every five seconds, remind the child of the rules. The first couple of times out will no doubt be frustrating, but in the long run, it will be well worth the trouble.

The more verbal a child gets, the better their anger coping skills become. At the age of four, my grandson is past the tantrum stage but, now we are faced with a new challenge. Yesterday, he clearly verbalized his anger over my accidentally putting his pajamas in his pants drawer. In a heated tone, with intense aggravation on his face, he clearly announced his disgust with me by telling me he was “ticked” (not the word he used). So, you see, we move from one dilemma into another with the growing stages of the child.

What have we learned here? It’s your child and beyond the public embarrassment, you are the parent. Let those standing upon high, looking down on you, be of no concern. Make rules and enforce them. You, as the parent, are growing with your child. You will move through many phases and learn new parenting skills to cope with each new issue. Most importantly, understand that your child is not behaving this way just to torture you. Love your child and work on those patience skills because you have a long road ahead of you. Happy parenting!!